That Gap in my Mind

Last Looks

2009-03-07T18:39:00.000-08:00

Every time we say goodbye, she turns away.

And after everyone else has turned away too, she looks back. Right at me.

It's been our secret. But now, it's a blessing every time.

Simple Yet Profound

2009-02-18T11:05:00.001-08:00

Last night, after wearily working for most of the morning and afternoon, I trudged back to my dorm in time for Bible study. We learned about how God's love is for everyone, not just for the Jews. While this was obviously not new to me, it made me realize how much we can rely on God. He never gives out on us, even when we stop caring or trying. By receiving strength from Him, we can pass it on to others that need it. And that's what makes God happy.

After Bible study we headed for the Union to play some board games for Ashley's birthday. My Bible study co-leader was turning 19, and nearly everyone from our on campus church group (Intervarsity) showed up to celebrate. She looked very happy.

After the party, I listened to a voicemail that I had gotten from my friend Laura. She chatted in weird voices and told me to call her back. Before hanging up she said "I love you" in the wonderful way in which only old friends can. I felt so happy.

After that, I went to my good friend and future roommate Rusty's room. While we chatted a bit here and there, we mostly sat in silence and read books that we had recommended to each other. There is something about Rusty that makes us understand each other so well. There is no need for mindless chatter or uncomfortable silence. There is a nice quiet - the absence of needing to impress each other or show off that many guys have. How blessed I am to have found a friend who values not only books but also the comfortableness of friendship. How it makes him happy as well.

It is still always so awesome to me to find that people in my life love me - and often that I love them back. God's love, while obviously greater than mine, has been put in my heart for a reason. Often I forget to use it, but when He makes me remember, or when others remind me, it is so very, very nice.

My Life as... The Show?

2009-01-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

My good friend told me about this new song she found.
It's called "The Show" by Lenka, which is an odd name
but a good one. The lyrics below perfectly describe
my life right now... and i cannot stop listening to
this song. Read the lyrics below!


I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little boy lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Rejoicing in the Pollution

2009-01-10T23:55:00.000-08:00

Today I was driving up 8th Street to Perkins to have coffee with my older sister. As I drove, I was listening to the song "High School Musical" from the third movie's soundtrack. You may scoff, but it's terribly catchy, and I do love to dance.

Anyhow, as I drove along in my rather decrepit old Saturn (badly in need of a wash), a long row of cars came up behind me, almost touching my little Saturn's sad bumper. On Saturday nights, it's considered cool for teenage boys to drive their 'hot rides' up and down 8th Street for everyone to see and admire them for having no other plans and wasting fuel resources. I, however, had an agenda, one which required dancing while driving and singing very, very loudly.

Once the string of 5 or 6 cool dudes in their cool cars started to pass me, I got embarrassed. Perhaps I should stop dancing and singing to the Zac Efron-led tune of moving on and individuality. But, as all 6 or 7 of our cars pulled up a stop light (me being the only "lame" car), I realized that I didn't have to tailor my way of life just because these awesome teenage guys would think I was weird.

And so, as we sat at the red light, I turned up the music and sang along, dancing with joy at my own joyfullness - and realized some of them were staring at me. But I felt alive, in my own corny way, and rejoiced all the more for it - even after the light turned green, and they sped away, leaving me in their wake and air pollution. Something had changed inside of me... I hadn't cared what they thought, which I would have before. I had found the courage to be myself, which is too often harder than it should be.

Zac Efron was still singing, as loud as he could in my ancient veihicle. And so was I.

Just Finished

2009-01-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading a pair of books (twin books? duplet books?) that were quite delightful. "How I Paid for College: A Novel of Sex, Theft, Friendship, and Musical Theater" is the first, and is followed by "Attack of the Theater People".

The books are by Mark Acito, and focus on Edward Zanni, an Italian-American actor who loves musicals and getting in to trouble with the law. The books are terribly colorful and wacky, with just the right amount of plausability thrown in. Edward, who is joined on his adventures by his crazy and exultant group of friends, hastily reminded me of myself... if I was more dramatic and lived in New York City. But the books were a breath of fresh air in this dull month of January, and I finished them both in 3 days. I recommend them if you're looking for something summery and different and delightful. With an emphasis on different. And delightful.

Stuck

2008-12-30T14:11:00.001-08:00

you took me hand
you held me close
my heart stopped beating
i was reaching, reaching
i want it so badly
what you have so easily
you make it look so simple
so easy
but all i can do is think about
how i can't
i can't
i won't
but i want to
i must
i can
i will
because i want to
i need to
i need you
and what you have
but just like that
it's gone in a flash
you and your charm
your warm hand and funny mind
off you go
off i go
ships passing on a sea
not forever, but for now
i need to
i can't
i must
i won't....

i'm stuck

Things I Love - December 15-22, 2008

2008-12-15T17:59:00.000-08:00

My 3 favorite loves this week:

1) Persuasion, by Jane Austen

Anyone who knows me know I adore Jane Austen. Her novels are so proper and old-fashioned, they make me want to step back 200 years and join her heroines in their many (mis)adventures. At the same time, the books are poignant and relevant to me (a 19 year old American male), and manage to charm the socks off me every time I open one. And perhaps make me want to cry, too.

I read Persuasion in 4 days; it's the shortest of Austen's novels and I breezed through it like there was no tomorrow, eating up every word and delighting in every page. Anne Elliot is perhaps the most patient of Austen's heriones... she is both endearing and relentlessly hopeful, two traits I can only dream of obtaining. Anne sustains her hope for years before seeing any kind of payoff, and when she does, it's not what you would think. Persuasion is chock full of chatty ladies and cunning men, including Anne's laughingly pompous father Sir Walter, and the lovely and bedridden Mrs. Smith. The book is perfect for this time of year - it offers up a tale of patience and love, of promise and hope, of sorrow and rejoicing. It's a story worth reading - perhaps even again and again.

2) The New Layout of My Dorm Room

Haha, I know... this isn't something you can check out for youself, but I wish you could see it. While the room is certainly not any larger, it feels bigger. Our beds are bunked and our desks are against one wall, leaving plenty of viewing room for the TV (which results in sprawling movie parties), a dresser top for preparing food (ie coffee in my case), and room for a bookshelf where I can finally, and proudly, display my beloved TV series of Gilmore Girls and The OC. There's even room to dance.

Which, you know, sometimes needs to happen.

3) Next Semester's Classes

Next semester is almost here - it starts a month from today. And while I still have Christmas break to enjoy before taking up residence in, and enjoying the gum under, my new desks, I can't help but feel excited for a new season. Next semester's classes include:

General Psychology
Family Relations
Food Principles (and lab)
Intro to the Hospitality Industry
Physical Geography 2 (and lab)

Which together result in 17 credits, a perfect amount for me. I'm excited to begin the specialized classes designed for my major (Family Relations, Intro to Hospitality Industry, and Food Principles) and better prepare myself for the career path I have ahead of me. January may bring more chills and homework, but I will choose to look at the bright side of things... AKA the sweaters and dreaming of Hermione that I can get out of it. And because at the end of next semester's courses, lies an even greater reward than Christmas - the unyeilding, loving, cheerful, sunshiny wonderfulness also known as summer.

Less = More

2008-12-14T11:39:00.000-08:00

my mind is a mire
of places that tire
give me strength and give me grace
take me to another place

i trust in you
my favorite friend
you stand by me
until the end

people go
you just shine
for what's less is more
and what's more is mine

Things I Love - December 8-15, 2008

2008-12-08T21:22:00.000-08:00

Three things I simply cannot survive without this week:

1) Coldplay

One of the first bands I loved is still one of my top picks. The rediscovery of this summer's "Viva La Vida" has my toes tapping and my eyes searching for inspiration in everyday things. While some of the songs bring back fond summer memories for me, others are suited well for winter, such as "Violet Hill", which sings of a longlasting war. "Death And All His Friends" tells us that there are better things than death or loneliness, and we will find them if we "dream of making our escape".

While any of the songs are appropriate at pretty much any time, it's refreshing once again to listen to a band with so much talent. The songs are rhythmic and full of wonder. I often find myself thinking profound things or making bold and daring plans while enjoying Coldplay's many fine musical offerings. It's inspiring and a wonderful shake up to what I had been listening to throughout autumn.

2) Finals

I know, I know... final exams are tiresome and dull. But once they are over, they're over! I am ready for a change in classes and pace, and next week cannot come soon enough.

Also, in my nerd-ish sort of way, it's fun to go to the library for hours at a time and study, like the nearly 4 hours I spent there tonight. I keep looking for Hermione, but I haven't spotted her yet. I'll let you know if I do.

3) Sweaters

Maybe I'm being a bit overindulgent in my sweater collection, but who doesn't like sweaters? I have so many (too many?) and every day brings a tough new decision of which one to wear. It simply brings joy to my heart when I walk out into the snow covered landscape and comfortably shiver a tiny bit within my charming cotton garb. My favorite sweater pick (at least this week)? My Aslan sweater, a lovely gray concoction featuring a proud lion front and center who looks suspiciously like Aslan. Was my sweater actually made in Narnia? Did an elderly Lucy Pevensie craft it before she passed on? Will it continue to shrink too fast, as it has been because I wash it so often? These questions may not be answered right away (or ever) but I do know one thing: sweaters make the season bring even more gladness to me than it does otherwise. And that's saying something...

Thanks

2008-12-07T20:20:00.000-08:00

I know, I know... Thanksgiving was over a week ago now... but I'm still drawn to be thankful for all I've been given, especially in the form of friends. I feel so unworthy of them. I'm clumsy and awkward and not always kind, but they don't seem to care. They stick by me till the end - and they know who they are. The Africans, ADMA, the homeschoolers, The Family, and more... they see me through my troubled times - and bring joy when we are happy. It's a treat and a honor to know that they consider me their friend. And I am thankful for them more and more as the days go on.

Business As Usual

2008-12-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

Snow is swirling
falling softly
i see it
through the window

neatly i sip my
plain jane latte
laughing at funny
crying at sad

its business as usual
for me
books and coffee are
so much of my life

but somehow
they never seem
to stop being
so very special

"Christmas" Shopping

2008-12-06T04:06:00.000-08:00

I'm headed off to the Mall of America bright and early today! It's a university sponsered trip to get out of Brookings, and after having actual stuff to do last weekend, since I was home, I'm ready for another taste of freedom!

But I'll be careful to remember - as I always try to - that Christmas shopping isn't what this season is all about. Though the decorations look charming and the Christmas music booms persuasively from speakers all around, let's not be fooled by commercialism this year.

Instead, turn your hearts towards God, who gave and gives us everything - and let us give thanks to Him!

Things I Love - December 1-7, 2008

2008-12-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

Here are the 3 things I love most this week:

1) Relient K's Christmas CD

While you can't always count on Christmas music to be as jolly or fulfilling as the ads promise it to be, some of the modern stuff is actually GOOD. And by some, I mean Relient K. My favorite band has never put out a song I did not adore and immediately learn all the words to, and this CD is no different. Cleverly titled and even more cleverly crafted, "Let it Snow, Baby, Let it Reindeer" is Relient K's foray into glorifying God through Christmas music. And boy, do they get it right.

"The 12 Days of Christmas" is original in song form, but the band find themselves asking "What's a partridge? What's a pear tree? I don't know so please don't ask me!". On "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", lead singer Matt Thiessen brings a touch of melancholy to the classic carol. The silly and joyous "I'm Getting Nuttin' For Christmas" tells the story of a selfish child who gets nothing for Christmas because he was bad all year long - but the song seems to make not receiving gifts not such a bad thing after all. And finally, the soft spoken "In Like a Lion (Always Winter)" brings us Narnia-like hope that God will cause winter to end and spring will begin again.

Either buy the CD or a few songs off iTunes... Relient K brings bouncy fun and thoughtful praise to a wonderful, cherished time of year. And they do it with an ease and a joyful mindset that even the most Scroogelike grumbler will not be able to resist.

2) Snow

It's seems so strange to me... so many people complain about snow this time of year - how it gets everything wet, how it turns brown, how the roads are covered with it - but I never get tired of snow. It brings a simple delight to my mind, and I'm always thankful for the moisture it brings to our often parched Earth. I make a point to take a walk each time it's snowing, and just enjoy the beauty of the falling flakes... how they land on the ground, on the trees, on me. Realizing this simple beauty may seem childlike, but it makes me realize how special to our God we are - how he makes each of us as unique and lovely as each individual snowflake. And that makes me smile and draw close to Him. Just as I should.

Plus, snowball fights are pretty awesome.

3) Book Clubs

There is never anything wrong with reading. I don't care what kind it is... you can read a comic book or a Bronte novel, or a magazine or a textbook, or even a cookbook. You can even read the book by Hillary Clinton without hearing me complain.

But the best part about reading is sharing it with someone else. For instance, in a book club. My friend and I have such a club, which is inside-jokingly called The Fasebook Club, even though it has nothing to do with Facebook, however wrongly spelled it may be. We meet once a month to discuss our book picks, which we alternate choosing every month. I cannot explain in words how precious our time together is - sitting, bent towards each other with eager expressions and happy smiles, discussing plot elements and character growth like we ourselves were part of the story. We do this while sipping hot chocolate, breakfast tea, or a cinnamon latte, whichever suits us the best at the moment. It's a special time, one that anyone can take advantage of, even though most don't.

So go, find a special friend or two (or six... or eight) and choose your first book together. The "chore" of reading is far outweighed by the joy that comes from friends getting together to share opinions, discuss favorite characters, and make memories that will far outlast how the book ended.

And hey, if you end up not enjoying a book club, at least you got some hot chocolate out of it, right?

That Sinking Marshmallow Feeling

2008-12-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

The sun was setting as I poured the hot water and mixed the brown powder into it. Hot chocolate emerged from the swirling chaos. I absent mindedly dumped a package of tiny marshmallows on top. The floated with glee, while I watched in despair.

It seemed like so long ago that I had been with her. That I had chosen her as the one that I loved. But it seemed like just yesterday, too. She was perfect for me in every way that I could think of: smart, funny, terribly awkward and odd, endearing, thoughtful, and trustworthy. She seemed to wear a badge when I saw her that screamed ‘I’m yours!’

Even though she wasn’t.

She has been dating him for over a year now. The other guy. The one that is so perfect for her that it hurts me inside every time I think about it. Because he’s more talented and funny and clever than me. And more perfect for her than I can ever dream of being.

She gives him hugs and kisses and holds his hand. Silly and small things, perhaps, but he also holds her heart. What I wouldn’t give to be him. What I wouldn’t give to have her. What I wouldn’t give to just be a little cleverer, a little better. A little more perfect for her.

The sun had gone down. My marshmallows were a creamy layer atop a pond of chocolate, slowly sinking below into the dark liquid. They didn’t look so gleeful anymore.

The water rose over my eyelids, and rolled down my face.

All You Need Is "Love"

2008-12-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

I honestly and fully believe that all you need to survive in life is love. But unlike my younger sister, I know that there are more than one type of love to feel.

My sister came home with her new love interest for Thanksgiving. She doesn't call him her boyfriend, just 'a special friend', which is stupid because they make out and hold hands. She only met him 3 months ago, and already they are supposedly 'life partners'. This wouldn't bother me except for the fact that this is her 8th love interest in 2 years.

She is moving too fast, and forgetting that to figure out who you really are, you have to spend some time alone sometimes. It's so important, and a lesson that I am so thankful to have learned early on in my life.

So my little sister, who now goes barefoot, doesn't shower, wears the same pair of clothes every day, and smokes because of this new man, came home for Thanksgiving. But it wasn't to see her family - that's too much to ask! She refused to sleep at the house, repeatedly saying that she has a new family... AKA her friends. I suppose they're more important now than even a breezy conversation with her mother, father, or younger brother.

Or even me.

My sister and I used to be best friends. This guy is changing her and breaking my heart.

There are many different ways to love. It's too bad my sister has forgotten all but one, and it's the one that hurts the most people the fastest. It's like a race for her to cut down as many trees in the forest as possible in as short a time as possible, all while waving the chainsaw gleefully in the air and shouting to anyone who will listen that she's proud of it.

Things I Love - November 24-31, 2008

2008-11-25T20:08:00.000-08:00

There are certain wonderful things I notice every week, and I thought I would start a new post each week to let you know about my top three. Here's week #1's highlights:

1) The Twilight Book Series

You may scoff or giggle condescendingly at me, but you probably haven't read them. Originally, I was uncertain about the actual value of these books, because they dealt with vampires, werewolves, and a bitter heroine who doesn't care about anything. However, since beginning the series a month ago, I have become convinced of their worth. And it turns out the heroine may be more relatable/sexy than I thought, even though she's in love with a vampire. Stephanie Meyer's vampire books are in turns dark, romantic, and actually... funny. Plus, if all of your friends read them at the same time as you (like mine are), you can talk about them in hushed and excited voices and pretend like Harry Potter is happening all over again. Which is awesome.

2) Marshmallow Mafia

The dorm I live in, which is unintriguingly called Brown Hall, is currently in the midst of the biggest battle of the year. The agents? The residing students. Our battlefield? Anywhere in Brown Hall. The weapons? Marshmallows! Everyone was given a marshmallow on Monday morning along with someone within the dorm's name. The object is to find that person and throw your marshmallow at them. If you strike gold, congratulations! You take their marshmallow AND the accompanying name, and move on to your next target. The only person left surviving at the end of the week is declared Lord of War. It's funny and fun to see people squealing and flying past you in the hall, their pursuer hot at their heels. And it's bringing our hall together through violence... the good, gooey kind of violence, of course.

3) The Value of Tea

Most people do not realize how valuable tea is. It's good for you and delicious and cheap, all of which simply cannot be said of Starbuck's Carmel Frappuccinos. I have at least eleven kinds of tea placed carefully on my dorm room shelf, and I can often be spotted trying to decide which flavor best fits my mood. Tea is lovely and it makes me feel safe and British and wise. So at least give it a try if you don't usually consider it an option while ordering something hot on a chilly wintry day. You might be imparted with sudden wisdom!